Wrath of the Pink Panther
by Esteban T. Rodriguez
Summary: What if James Bond was replaced by Inspector Clouseau of the Pink Panther Movie series? Read and find out!
1. Default Chapter

Wrath of the Pink Panther.

Hi! Welcome to my fic! Those familiar with the Pink Panther movie series will get this! Those who haven't seen them go out to Blockbuster and rent it! Anyway, onto the story! For the record, this is set just after The Spy Who Loved Me.

Charles Dreyfus stood at the foot of the open grave in London. The mahogany casket was set upon the ropes, ready to be lowered down. Inside was the best secret agent in the world, snuffed out. He was still in awe. England's best man, James Bond. Killed in the line of duty. A year ago, he had replaced the late Sir Miles Messervy as head of MI6, and he had really liked Bond. Life was full of death regrettably. He knew though, that his new secretary, Miss Moneypenny would never be the same.

He bowed his head as the shots to honour the dead hero.

Dreyfus sat in his office as the rain pattered down on the window.

There was a small space of wall in the office to honour the dead agents of the 00 section in here.

Dreyfus poured himself a brandy and raised the glass in salute to the late Commander Bond.

Just before he took a sip, the intercom buzzed, causing him to jump and splash the whole sifter right in his face. He coughed and sputtered like an unresponsive car.

He hit the button impatiently. "Yes?" he growled.

"Francois Chevalier to see you." Miss Moneypenny said.

"Send him in." Dreyfus said as he wiped his face.

Francois, his old assistant from the SuretÄ came in.

"Good afternoon, Chief Inspector Dreyfus." He said, retaining the gin that Dreyfus knew.

"Ah, Francois." Dreyfus said. "Good to see you again. Please sit down."

Francois took a seat and Dreyfus offered him a drink. He declined.

"I have heard through ze grapevine that your best man met with a bitter end." Francois said.

"Oh, you mean Bond." Dreyfus said. "Yes. He was the best. Now, no more."

"Well, the SuretÄ are offering a replacement man to help solve the murder." Francois said. "But I'm not sure you want him on the case."

"Nonsense, Francois." Dreyfus said. "Tell Paris to ship him out now."

Francois gave an apologetic grin and turned to go.

"By the way who is this man the suggest?" Dreyfus asked.

"Former Chief Inspector Clouseau." Francois said and left.

Dreyfus sat quietly, simmering in pure rage. And after a little while, his left eye had begun to twitch.

End of chapter!

OK, time to review. Don't by shy, now.


	2. london calling

Chapter 2

AN: You may have to read some of Clouseau's dialogue aloud to get what he's saying and keep in mind he is French. Just a friendly reminder. If you need help, got to and go to "Talk like Clouseau". The story is set after The Spy Who Loved Me because it was made in 1977 and that's just after The Pink Panther Strikes again was made. It is not set after Die Another Day because I hated Die Another day. (Too much like diamonds are forever.)

Inspector Jacques Clouseau stepped off the plane in London. He looked out on to the tarmac and started down the stairs.

Francois saw him and called out.

Clouseau raised his hand in a salute, but the hand he used was carrying his case, which smacked him in the head. Clouseau went flying back into the crowd, knocking everyone over like a stack of dominos.

François ran up to Clouseau's aid. "Are you alright, Inspector?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm faihne." Clouseau said. "Swine case."

"Come on." Francois said. "The new M, Chief Inspector Dreyfus is waiting for us."

"Yes, I kneuw that, I kneuw that." Clouseau said. "He told me that on the feuune."

"Feuune?" François asked. "You said feuune."

"Yes, I kneuw that." Clouseau said. "The red feuune. In the main office of the Surete,"

"Oh, the phone." Francois said.

"That's what I said, you fewl." Clouseau said as he entered the car, smoothing out his moustache.

Clouseau entered the main hall of Vauxhall Cross, MI6 headquarters. He entered one small office and saw a hat rack first off. He took off his hat and threw it.

It missed, landing on the radiator.

"Nice shot." A female voice said.

"Yes, I kneuw." Clouseau said. "You are Miss..."

"Miss Moneypenny." She said.

"And what is it you do, Miss Minkeypenny?" Clouseau asked.

"Minkey?" She asked, undignified.

"What?"

"You said minkey." Moneypenny said

"I asked you what it is you do, Miss Minkeyfanny." Clouseau was getting impatient.

"I am M's personal secretary." She said, catty.

"Who is this ehm?" Clouseau asked. "I only kneuw of former Chief Inspector Dreyfus."

"That's him." Moneypenny said.

"Then I shall see Dreyfus." Clouseau said.

"He's been waiting for you." Money penny said, getting extremely agitated. "And call him M, for crying out loud."

"I hahve been calling him Chief Inspector Dreyfus for many years," Clouseau said. "And Chief Inspector Dreyfus is what I will continue to call him."

He opened the door and slammed it, catching his foot in the door as it closed. He let out a cry of "_Merde_!" and pulled his foot out.

He limped into the office to find Dreyfus sleeping at his desk, his eyes under a hat.

Clouseau leaned in over the desk and peered under the hat. A large booger was dangling precariously out of Dreyfus' nose as he snored.

"Helleu?" Clouseau asked. "Chief Inspector? Have you rah-ceived a faint?"

He was about an inch from Dreyfus' face. He could have counted the pores on his nose.

Dreyfus opened his eyes slowly and let out a yelp in suprise. He struggled and grabbed Clouseau's jacket. They both fell backwards, chair and all.

A vase fell off the top shelf and hit Dreyfus square on the head, sending shards of clay all over the place.

"Are you all right, Chief Inspector Dreyfus?" Clouseau asked.

"Fine." Dreyfus said, rubbing his head.

Clouseau pointed to Dreyfus' forehead and started to say "You have rah-cieved..." but his finger collided with Dreyfus' eye.

"Ow, my eye!" Dreyfus cried out.

"Wasn't it you head?" Clouseau asked.

"But it is my head," Dreyfus said.

"Well, no wonder you can't make up your mind." Clouseau said. "With the vahrry nasty beump you have rah-cieved on the head."

"You did it again. Beump." Dreyfus said.

"What?" Clouseau asked.

"You said beump again." Dreyfus said.

"Yes, I kneuw that." Clouseau said. "A vahrry large beump. I am supris-ed that you did not fall unconscious from such a beump."

Dreyfus stood up and sat down at the desk. "Have a seat." He growled, picking small shards of broken clay out of his hair.

Clouseau sat down and settled in. After a few minutes, he realised he was stuck. He tried to pull himself out, but the chair was small and Clouseau was stuck for good.

"Now, you are aware of the murder of our former best man, 007?" Dreyfus asked.

"Yes." Clouseau said. "It is most unfortunate. How was he deaden-ed?"

"He was in a hostage situation." Dreyfus said. "He managed to save them all as well as defuse a bomb, eliminate the main terrorist and have a quick drink at the bar before a sniper got him."

"Then it wasn't the beum that killed him." Clouseau said.

"Beum?" Dreyfus said. "You said beum."

"Yes, the beum." Clouseau said. "The exploding kind."

"Oh, the bomb." Dreyfus said.

"Yes, that's what I said, Chief Inspector Dreyfus." Clouseau said.

"That's M." Dreyfus said. "In the interests of secrecy."

"Ah, the old secrecy ploy." Clouseau said.

"Yes." Dreyfus growled. He handed Clouseau a new case over the top of the desk. "Q branch has whipped this up for you. They'll see you tomorrow for the rest of your equipment."

"Thank you, Chief M Dreyfus." Clouseau said. "Until we meet again and the case is sol-ved."

He tried to stand up, but the chair remained stuck onto him. Dreyfus was already buried in a dossier, so Clouseau ran at the door.

The chair pooped off like a champagne cork and flew across the room, hitting Dreyfus and sending him flying back again.

Clouseau left the office and went back into Miss Moneypennys. He reached for his hat on the radiator, but saw that it began to smoulder and flame.

He left quite quickly, pulled an identical hat out of his jacket and left the building just as the fire alarm went off.

Clouseau arrived back at his hotel and proceeded up to his room. He stuck his key in the lock and turned it.

Nothing. The key was jammed. Clouseau fought with it, putting his whole body into the force.

The key finally turned and Clouseau turned the knob. It still wouldn't open.

Clouseau looked at the key and noticed that the jagged part that actually opened the door was gone, still jammed in the lock.

Clouseau went up to the roof of the building where he found a long coil of rope. He secured it to one of the railings and started to rappell down the face of the building.

He crashed through the window of one room several floors down.

An old woman screamed and bashed him on the head with her purse and Clouseau fell out of the window and into the next room, a floor down.

He sprang to his karate stance and found that he had fallen into his own room.

His suitcase was already there, but a large crate was in the middle of the room.

Clouseau pryed open the box and one of the large wooden sides fell off. He lit a match and peered inside.

Inside was his armware from his flat back in Paris. He knew it contained various clubs and similar weapons, but that was only for when his Chinese manservant Cato fulfulled his orders to attack him.

A loud karate yell rang out and Cato sprang from the box.

End of chapter.


	3. Chapter 3: Clouseau vs Cato and Q

Chapter 3: Clouseau vs. Cato and Q.

Cato leapt from the crate, going for the throat.

Clouseau ducked and Cato went flying back. The inspector ran for the cabinet and grabbed the nearest and biggest beating stick he could find.

Cato pulled a pair of numchucks from his belt and twirled them about. One hit him square in the fore head and he fell back.

Clouseau charged and aimed the stick high. He never noticed the lanyard loop on the top, which caught on the twirling fan up on the ceiling and swung him around a lot before the loop broke, sending him smashing into the wall, while the fan coming down and hitting the recovering Cato on the head.

The two battled their way to the front door, where an old lady opened it just when Clouseau ducked from Cato's attack. The Chinaman raised his new weapon and was just about to bring the new stick he found down on Clouseau when he and the old lady saw him. They both screamed and ran in opposite directions.

Clouseau came up, closed the door and went back after Cato. He swung at him, but Clouseau missed and his stick went right out the window.

He ran for the cabinet again and pulled out the only thing he could find. A tennis racket.

He brought it down on Cato's head, the netting breaking and Cato slumping into a nearby armchair.

Clouseau stretched, yawned and made himself some dinner.

Clouseau arrived at MI-6 early the next day, getting some odd glances from Moneypenny as she passed him in the hall. He entered Q branch.

"Ah, good morning, Inspector." Major Boothroyd, or Q, as he was better known.

"Good meurning." Clouseau said. "I am Chief Inspector Clouseau and I am here to rah-cieve my equipment."

"Right this way." Q showed him the way.

A prototype harpoon gun shot out and landed in the target across the room. The rope attached to it stayed tight. Clouseau was looking around at the time and didn't see it. He walked right into it and gave himself a killer clothesline.

"Right," Q said as Clouseau picked himself up. "First we have an umbrella. Unfolds like any other, but press the button on the side and it encompasses any enemy. It's made of Teflon and is next to impenetrable by the enemy within. Now, we have a can of mace disguised as shaving cream. Also, we have your new personal side arm. Walther PPK, 7.65 mm. I trust you know how to use it?"

"Yes." Clouseau said. "Thank you. Well, I am off to solve the meuhrder of your agent. I may already have a clehuw."

"Clehuw?" Q asked. "You said a clehuw."

"Yes, I kneuw that." Clouseau said. He dug in his pocket. "This clehuw."

He showed Q a brochure for a dating service in the city.

"Well?"

"The person that killed him may have had ties with this sehrvice." Clouseau said. "I shall investigate this fehrthehr. Good day."

He went out the door and into a phone booth. An air bag inside inflated, pressing Clouseau against the glass. He managed to get out and gave the bag a few vicious karate chops.

"Most ingenious." Clouseau said. "The feuune booth ploy. That is vahrry well done. This might even beat the old closet ploy. Well, until we meet again and the case is solv-ed."

Clouseau left in a rush.

Clouseau arrived back at his place and prepared himself for Cato's attacks. He armed himself with the umbrella, forgetting what it did.

Cato cam again, but Clouseau swung the umbrella. The umbrella unfolded and got them both fighting inside of it. Clouseau managed to get mace, but it went off, engulfing both of them.

End of chapter.

Maybe a little disappointing, but no one's ever done a Pink Panther fan fic (That I know of.) So I'm just making this up as I go. Which I do in everything. Review please!


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